Grief and sadness. For some of us, just reading these words already brings those powerful feelings to the forefront. Letting go can be one of the more challenging things we humans experience, whether that’s grieving the loss of a person, an animal, a belief, a relationship, or even a career, a place, or an object.
Animals also demonstrate signs of grief. Elephants, wolves, whales, dolphins, primates like chimpanzees and gorillas, ducks, geese, magpies, songbirds, horses, cats, and dogs have all been observed displaying behaviours like holding vigils over a lost family member, covering or burying their dead, ceasing to eat, and showing other signs of distress. Those who know me, know I have a strong affiliation toward animals. I had two beautiful soul dogs for a glorious 12 years, but I had to say my goodbyes to them both this summer.
I tell you this story not to try to make you feel sad (though it might), nor to garnish sympathy, but to tell you that because we feel love, we must also feel loss. They are tied. Yin and Yang. Yang and Yin. We must come to terms with feeling sadness and loss in order to experience the fullness of life. While this thought on that is widely known and often quoted, it’s worth restating here:
’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Traditional Chinese Medicine’s Approach to Grief and Sadness
Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) is largely founded on the relationship between humans and the natural world. Scholars long ago studied the impact of the changing seasons, weather patterns, and other natural environmental conditions on our own lives and our health. They recommended that we try to live our lives in concert with nature. Thus, the fall season is recognized as a time of letting go, of preparing for death and release, and then storing the energies through the winter so they can be grown again in the spring.
Deciduous trees drop their leaves every year in the fall, baring their branches and going semi-dormant until the spring. But before they do, what a beautiful array of colours we get to enjoy. The following quote by Lin Yutang, a writer and inventor, expresses that beautifully:
“I like spring, but it is too young. I like summer, but it is too proud. So I like best of all autumn, because its leaves are a little yellow, its tone mellower, its colours richer, and it is tinged a little with sorrow and a premonition of death. Its golden richness speaks not of the innocence of spring, nor of the power of summer, but of the mellowness and kindly wisdom of approaching age. It knows the limitations of life and is content. From a knowledge of those limitations and its richness of experience emerges a symphony of colours, richer than all, its green speaking of life and strength, its orange speaking of golden content and its purple of resignation and death.”
These words express an appreciation for the beauty of life made richer by an acknowledgment of its impermanence. I’m not a counsellor, and I highly encourage everyone to seek the guidance of a counsellor. But TCM does offer ways to experience and manage grief and sadness. Because we are designed to avoid loss, but we cannot prevent it. We can instead work to find ways to practice letting go.
Breathe
One of the foundational elements of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) is that there is no separation between the body and mind. They are intertwined such that when a person has an organ dysfunction, it affects the emotions; and, conversely, a strong emotion can impact the physical organs. The emotions of grief and sadness are attributed to the Lungs and Large Intestines.
Since the Lungs are one of organs most associated with grief and sadness, one of the best practices to help process these emotions is to do focused breath practice. There are many types of breath work, including:
- 4-7-8 Breath: Breathe in deeply to the count of four, hold for the count of seven, breathe out over the count of eight.
- Belly Breath: Put one hand on your belly and the other on your upper chest. Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose, relaxing your belly and allowing it to rise. Breathe out slowly through your nose, allowing your belly to fall. The hand on your chest shouldn’t be rising or falling much, with most of the movement happening at the hand on the belly.
- Box Breath: Breathe in to the count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, repeat.
- Lion’s Breath: Take a deep breath in through your nose. Open your mouth wide, stick your tongue out as far as you can, down toward your chin (optional to cross your eyes) while exhaling forcefully through your mouth, making a “haaaaaa” sound from your belly. Breathe normally for a few breaths. This is a good breath to relieve stress.
- Focused Breath: As you breathe in through your nose, focus your mind on the feeling of the cool air entering your nostrils. Feel and notice your lungs filling all the way to the bottom. As you exhale slowly through pursed lips, feel your shoulders drop and relax as warm air exits your mouth.
Be Kind
…to yourself! Let me say that again. Be kind to yourself. Too often I see patients who apologize to me when they express their sadness with tears in my office. Perhaps we’re too ingrained with the idea that when someone asks us how we are, the only answer we’re allowed to give is “fine.”
Sometimes patients ask me how long it’s okay to grieve. There is no right answer to that. It takes as long as it takes. Sometimes we feel “fine” and then feel bad we feel fine because maybe that’s “too soon.” Sometimes we feel like the grieving and sadness won’t stop because it’s been “too long.” There will be ups and downs and feelings may come in waves, sometimes triggered by something obvious, sometimes for no apparent reason.
Practice compassion with yourself and instead of angrily telling yourself to “get over it” or wondering whether your numbness means you’re heartless, treat yourself like a best friend, someone who reminds you that you’re doing your best and try the following exercise.
Breathe deeply while you open both arms out wide to your sides. As you breathe out, cross your right arm over to hold your left shoulder. Breathe in deeply. As you breathe out, cross your left arm over to hold your right shoulder. Breathe in deeply and as you breathe out, squeeze hard. ? In other words, give yourself a hug.
Ask for Help and Support
Talk to your friends and family. Seek a counsellor. And remember that your body needs support too. One of the best ways to access the deeper feelings doesn’t come from trying to think your way through. Your subconscious mind, thoughts, and feelings can be processed through bodywork. Acupuncture provides a powerful way to calm your mind, manage your stresses, and help you process your emotions so you can heal. I love seeing the shift that can occur from stressed and distressed to chill and relaxed by the end of an acupuncture treatment. True, it likely doesn’t change your situation and it can’t turn back time. But you can get at least a temporary reprieve, and sometimes that allows for the healing benefits of clarity and space. I may also recommend Chinese herbs or supplements.
* Organ names are capitalized to designate that they are the TCM versions of the organs which covers a broader scope, not only the physical manifestation.
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